everything upsets me
I mean everything upsets me
kind words kind eyes kind thighs
(not really, but I wish I allowed myself that)
I get "it" right now
the need to share, discuss
phantasies, but to say out
loud the things I think -known
projection- I don't need public visibility
I know its projection and yet
I am way to scared to project onto anyone but you
...only I care too much, am way to invested
I feel embarrassed to let you see me
(like the things I've shown you are to be respected..
pshaw)

life is projection, constantly playing
replaying and attatching to the past
to the future tense of possibilities
the goal is to own myself and yet,
I won't tell you my movie script...
how can I?
why would I? (no, I know
I would because I want
I want to be able to want)

to want is to die.
to pull away breath,
to deny of bread
to want...the infinite I cannot afford
but if not afforded could cause early death
(what a circle)
so, ok I've digressed. Phantasies.

My thoughts toward you are often romantic,
but not the harlequin type.
they're like a turn of the century Thoreau novel-
natural, energetic, earth-bound and muddy
..its funny cause these descriptions,
the ideas sound like they'd be joyful (for me)
instead I'm angry like I feel cheated...
but how? because I've always told myself I'm dirt
I'm work and that's my boundary,
it's my boundary
how can I not be angry thinking that?


I feel trapped in the phantasy,
who wouldn't prefer the land of make-believe
where blue eyed princes notice me
want to know me...
love me....
there is this paranoid side to me
paranoia creating polarity
so believing that you really think that we can do this together, that you want to do this
versus the knowledge that you are not going to walk away because of my abandonment issues
I know its paranoia
I also know I would feel that way in your shoes
but I would have walked away
...ok I cant do anymore right now