you have a body
its fair that you feel this way
how did you get the idea you could dictate
the natural strength of selection
picking and choosing through a bargain
bin at the salvation army, you're given
what you've got through your choosing
creative methods mixed with birthright
you have a body,
deal.

everything upsets me
I mean everything upsets me
kind words kind eyes kind thighs
(not really, but I wish I allowed myself that)
I get "it" right now
the need to share, discuss
phantasies, but to say out
loud the things I think -known
projection- I don't need public visibility
I know its projection and yet
I am way to scared to project onto anyone but you
...only I care too much, am way to invested
I feel embarrassed to let you see me
(like the things I've shown you are to be respected..
pshaw)

life is projection, constantly playing
replaying and attatching to the past
to the future tense of possibilities
the goal is to own myself and yet,
I won't tell you my movie script...
how can I?
why would I? (no, I know
I would because I want
I want to be able to want)

to want is to die.
to pull away breath,
to deny of bread
to want...the infinite I cannot afford
but if not afforded could cause early death
(what a circle)
so, ok I've digressed. Phantasies.

My thoughts toward you are often romantic,
but not the harlequin type.
they're like a turn of the century Thoreau novel-
natural, energetic, earth-bound and muddy
..its funny cause these descriptions,
the ideas sound like they'd be joyful (for me)
instead I'm angry like I feel cheated...
but how? because I've always told myself I'm dirt
I'm work and that's my boundary,
it's my boundary
how can I not be angry thinking that?


I feel trapped in the phantasy,
who wouldn't prefer the land of make-believe
where blue eyed princes notice me
want to know me...
love me....
there is this paranoid side to me
paranoia creating polarity
so believing that you really think that we can do this together, that you want to do this
versus the knowledge that you are not going to walk away because of my abandonment issues
I know its paranoia
I also know I would feel that way in your shoes
but I would have walked away
...ok I cant do anymore right now

feeling really sorry for anyone who stumbles on this blog but...

its here
the anger is here it just keeps coming
in waves...id like to find an image less expected
but there isn't a better word

I read waves and I think blue, but this feeling
these feelings are far from cooling
a fireside blue only a far less comforting
blue like a body left in the snow
naked and wide eyed blue...wide
blue eyes and a surprisingly tight neck
I think this is the color of my anger for you (me?)

trembling blue
...I want you to take me with you
...and yes, I hear you
"but you'll be taking the me in you instead"
tears, maroon and droopy
sloopy hang on cause this is gonna be a bumpy night

anger is the issue
anger is the theme of the day
anger is dizzy making

Its Saturday night and I punked out of a party
I never officially rsvp'd to
except a friend did it for me then got his gaLL
BLADDER REMOVED THEN DEMANDED I DRIVE AFTER A TEN HOUR WORK DAY THEN BITCHED
"TAKE ME HOME" BECAUSE OF MY rocky roll AND IM THE ONE LEFT STEWING

ANGER IS THE ISSUE
PEEWEE'S WORD OF THE DAY
I hate being angry or maybe I love
being angry, maybe im not angry at all
maybe im sad
disappointed by the life choices I made
too afraid to move forward or even sideways
maybe im barely existing

...maybe, I just want you to come home

the anger came back, remembering quickly
the anger came back last winter
listening to a hypnosis CD through ear phones, listening
one two three nights before stopping
returning to the internet as a lullaby


the anger engulfed again, a red
mushroom cloud of tempertantrum with awareness
this life does not support, this pay
check does not support
this heart is not supported
aortic pumping, bile dumping anger...
hypnotic suggestions interrupted- self
esteem thwarted intentionally
all in an attempt to keep feeling
facebound.

all I think about is breaking up with you all im thinking about is breaking
up with you...but I'm full of doubt
doubting my judgement, thinking maybe
im running cause I briefly felt close
felt trustful and that means it is time to run

But I know I know,
I can't stay here-with you-forever
my heart knows you are waiting
waiting for me to break up
hoping it's time for us, our hour
glass to have fully funneled through

but I know I know
I can't break up with me...

will you notice? will you?
notice the silence, remember
our alliance, ponder
the non-compliance....or will you feel
relieved? Like you've been given
a reprieve, a break
from the neediness that comes
...in other words, I miss you

i feel like this may have been a mistake
even thinking you could keep
my words in an electronic box, a mis-
take the pressure off (but it's mine)
then again, my heart is flowing, turbulent
(i fell out the boat the one time i went white-water
rafting, Yuck-again-EEE! was right)
turbulance, hands grasping at slick rubber would seek
dryer ground,- doesnt seem very untethered...does it?

The roads were slick today, of all days
a day that screamed "You never did and you never will
change." BMV letters informing of warrants
3 turns since a speeding ticket AND someone
(not naming names or anything)
someone forgot to renew their plates
...all these first world problems keeping
the paycheck at bay first world
drama....Im changing the subject

How do i let go of you, of your family?
my mom's family was pretty big on her fathers
side only they leaned into her mother's
parents cause he was from kinsman and wanted to be
a jefferson. he was the youngest of four
yeladeem, and by far the most successful
thanks to his move to the heights but
this girl too shoulda had cousins galore,

a family business (shmatta)
shoulda woulda coulda....is this jealousy?
ife would be different-my family is buried
right at the head of the jewish side of Lakeview
(dont even know the name)
crazy simmie berman lies for ever with her papa
(whose day of birth is my day of birth) and her mama
crazy simmie berman whose real mother died and her father?
her father beat her then sold her to a barren aunt and spouse.
$1000 dollars which brings little malka kaila to mind,
cause her mama really is her mama but her father
couldnt be a father so they paid to keep a doctor
tied to his pager...i sure wish i had been surrounded
yet even knowing this, i dont want to let go
(i think with you gone i am seeing myself
clearer, but i just can't seem to let go)

functioning
functioning in a large system
terrifying so many possibilities
um, for criticism and neglect
i am trying very hard to stay with myself
to let go of that tether but im not ready to let go
im sorry